Oh the bus… Below, please find Amanda’s handy-dandy tips* for surviving a weekend with the kiddies…
1. Inappropriate lyrics. Yeah, they like Afro-man and Easy E. How did this happen? Oh surely we were the same way (except me- I was an angel). But when you hear those melodious tones start — say with something touching like Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin” — and before you know it, you hear something about your brother fucking his sister with her legs… well, I’ll stop there. WHAT DO YOU DO?
Solution: Hit them. Find the heaviest object within reach and throw it at their leader. Just pick an AZA if you have to. But throw something heavy, make it hurt and tell them that if you ever hear such profanity again, no one will be able to stop you from throwing someone out the window.
2. Breaking curfew. In bed by 1am? As if!? Tell them 1am if you want to be in bed by 3, friends. God bless the BBG who just HAS to hug every AZA good night but shit, girlfriend, advisors need a rest!
Solution: Padlocks. Bind their hands and ankles if you have to and then padlock their doors. Oh sure, they may whine for silly things like “oxygen” and “nourishment” but we all know that’s just a clever scheme. They don’t want sustenance – they want to reach out and touch someone after hours. Well, eff that!
3. Disrespect during services. Has this ever happened to you? You’re standing, reciting the prayer on page 193 and two rows away, a group of disrespectful teens are texting, whispering and/or throwing things at the kids in front of them. Rotten little monsters. No one’s asking them to pray – just show respect and keep still for 30 minutes, m’kay?
Solution: The Dolores Umbridge Method. You know – that scene in Harry Potter where he has to write out sentences over and over and whatever he writes is etched into the back of his hand in BLOOD with excruciating, undeniable pain and torture? Do that. We’re advisors. Aren’t we supposed to be omnipotent or something? If that doesn’t work, please refer to solution #1.
Actually, I have to tell you, solution #1 is your best bet in most scenarios. Plus, it makes you feel really, really COOL.*Infantile fantasy only